Addiction: A Confession

I sat in my car, and I watched. I had succumbed to the urge. I had listened to that voice in my head for hours, days, years, and again, I found myself stalking. I admit it, I felt excited. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care; within the hour I’d be sated and the voice would retreat again, allow me to feel normal.

Her name was Amber, it always was; what can you say, I am a man of habit. I grabbed her before anyone knew she was missing and threw her into my car. There was no struggle, there never was. As I drove, I looked over at her, tried to reason with myself not to go through with it, but she was there, the ball was in motion, I couldn’t stop myself now. The more I stared, the more I wanted; my mouth salivated at the prospect of what was in store.

I pulled up around the back of my house, I made sure to leave the lights off so no one would see me enter with my new *friend*. I sat her on the table, she seemed unaware of the danger that presented itself. I took a deep breath, my heart thumped in my chest with anticipation; I was at this point again, I savoured it while I still had the chance to change my mind. I wasn’t going to, I never did once it got this far. I pleaded with myself to step away, to not do it, but the urge was too strong. I approached.

Gently I held her body with one hand, and her neck with the other and twisted. I gasped as her head tumbled to the floor. I smelled the liquid that dripped from her neck and sighed. I poured it into the glass on the table and downed it in one. The burning liquid coated my insides and I felt remorse. Before I took another breath, I poured another and slammed that. The anxiety began to lift and I fell into the large armchair behind me.

I felt dirty, I’d failed myself again, but the drink was taking hold; that all too familiar fuzziness flooding my face. I felt my chest, my heart slowed and relaxed. I promised myself I’d stop tomorrow, like I did yesterday, the day before, and the day before that. I was trying, I really was! But Amber, she knows how to press my buttons. I can’t stop thinking about her, I knew I’d see her again tomorrow.

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